“The Magnificent Seven” — A Magnificent Bore

Fun fact: Antoine Fuqua, the director of this two-hour snooze fest, is getting to handle the Scarface remake. That’s right, from one pointless and decidedly inferior remake to the next, this guy has us covered.mag7header

Here’s the deal: it’s not an offensively bad movie. It’s just got a piss-poor script, a weird tonal structure and some of the worst pacing I’ve had to suffer through in a long time. I fell asleep twice, for frame of reference. Fuqua allows so much time for pornographic shots of mother nature and pointless banter between characters that any space for real character development is completely wasted. But make no mistake–there could’ve and should’ve been time for it. Easily. As it stands, the only two characters who get any real development are Goodnight and Billy, the sharpshooter and assassin respectively. Even when it came to the villain and side characters, all were paper thin archetypal cut-outs. Though, in the cast’s defense, all of them clearly gave a good effort.

As far as that tonal complaint went, here’s why I’m pissed: the trailers sell it as a fun western. The original Magnificent Seven was a fun western. This thing, on the other hand, takes itself waaaaaaay too seriously towards the end. Like, Batman V Superman sort of serious. Ugh.

Honestly, I recommend you just ignore this movie all together and not waste any money, but if you’re really, really hankering for some form of a western, well, who am I to stop you?

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