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The Illuminati Tried to Stop My Blog

It’s official, everybody: My return from self-imposed blog exile has caught the attention of the triangle men.

Illuminati_triangle_eye
Image courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

Let’s lay out the timeline of events, so you can decide for yourself if I’m being paranoid:

1) On Saturday, February 23rd, I make my grand return to this blog in order to bring its wisdom back to the forefront of the internet. I pledge that I will post (or re-post) once per week, in some fashion or another, no matter what. I also specify, in that announcement, that my secondary goal will be to stay alive. Remember that last bit, as it comes into play very shortly.

2) On Sunday, February 24th, I go to post my first official blog post since my “I’ve returned” announcement. Mere minutes after waking up, my power goes out. And I’m not just talking about the electricity—the heat as well. I spend the entire day and night disconnected from the outside world, freezing to death within my home as it goes from 69 degrees Fahrenheit to just a degree or two above 40. I have to put my groceries outside in the snow since my freezer, due to lack of power, has become warmer than the rest of the house and the outdoors. All the while, the clowns I pay for electricity and heat persist that they can’t fix things yet due to poor resource management on their part.

3) On Monday, February 25th, after nearly becoming a human popsicle overnight, I decide it’s time to vacate the internet-less, light-less, heat-less house. I seek refuge at a friend’s place. Only once I’ve left do the repair people get their act together and fix my home’s electricity.

4) On Tuesday, February 26th, I relax and recover with my friend and go see Alita: Battle Angel. As I write this, I realize it might not be a bad idea to write up a quick review.

5) On Wednesday, February 27th, I eat a scone. To ensure I have enough fat to survive the rest of winter, I then eat a second one.

6) On Thursday, February 28th, I return home.

7) On Friday, March 1st, a few minutes after midnight, I write up a blog post detailing my week’s struggles.

If it wasn’t already abundantly clear that the Illuminati fear the strength of this blog and its immensely intelligent, ever-vigilant followers, it is now. They cut my power the second I made a stand by saying this blog was here to stay. They tried to freeze me to death. They tried to make me break both of my goals the day after I’d announced them. I’m betting they’re also the reason why Alita: Battle Angel ended on such a garbage-tier cliffhanger. My point is, the proof’s in the pudding. Comment below if you have your own theories or thoughts on the matter. In the interim, I’ll be off fighting the Adjustment Bureau, one post at a time.

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