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Review of Depression Quest for PC — The Worst Game Ever?

While the attempt at making a game that simulates depression in earnest serves as a valiant effort, the product and fruit of the developer’s labor is one of the most abysmal games I’ve ever had the displeasure of playing. I’ve actually had a headache for six hours now since playing it.

You play as a generic guy living a decent life who just refuses to be happy at anything. You then continue through the text-based journey, occasionally selecting options that will nine times out of ten lead to your character being even more depressing and bitchy. And what’s worse is that all of the situations he’s faced with aren’t even depressing, they’re just things that he makes worse for himself by being a self-absorbed mope. 

Anyway, you can choose every “ask friend for mental help” option and somehow cure your imaginary depression (supposedly my friend did it). But in all seriousness, plenty of “depressed” people learn to get over themselves eventually and don’t need the therapists and boatloads of emotional support that this game demands you ask for, so ultimately this is just a let’s-drearily-circle-jerk each other type of game. 

In conclusion, between the dreary music, shitty story progression and lacking of any sort of real fun or even basic insight into what depression ACTUALLY is, I recommend you stay FAR away from this game. If you can even call it that. 

The Scrap Yard

Review of Metal Gear Rising Revengeance for Xbox 360

In a world where cybernetics are more common than good dialogue and kidnapping presidents is casual friday, only one man stands for what’s right: Boris. Yeah, you thought I was gonna say Raiden, didn’t you! Well you’re wrong! Raiden is a wacko serial killer!images

The story of MGRR is plain and simple: Kill the guys harvesting orphans’ brains. Alongside this quest is Raiden’s personal journey to becoming the ultimate sociopath, as he will undergo the revelation that killing everyone in your way is the best way to reach the results you want. That’s my second biggest gripe with MGRR; the story and everything associated with it is absolutely absurd. Not only are Raiden’s emotions and dialogue silly and nonsensical, but so is the plot. MASSIVE SPOILER: You verse the hulk at the end, and it’s not even tense. It’s just cartoon-y! He absorbs, like, robotic vines and steroids up within seconds. And here I thought the Metal Gear franchise always tried to be semi-realistic.

Aside from that, there’s only one other major gripe I have with the game: Its gameplay is too linear and it tries to feign stealth to appeal to the diehard MGS fans. The gameplay is simply go from point A to point B while slashing up a trillion enemies, but the game won’t even let it go at that. It says go from A to B “in a stealthy manner” which in reality means try and sneak around for half a second, then everyone up once you get spotted due to the lack of proper stealth mechanics. These are really glaring issues that appear every second of the game that you’re not busy fighting droves of enemies in.

As far as the actual combat goes, it’s fantastic. At first it feels like Bayonetta in terms of combos and slashing physics, but quickly turns into something all its own with the blade mode mechanic. It puts you into slow-mo while you mercilessly carve up an enemy into literally hundreds of little slices, a deliciously morbid way of dispatching foes. That, combined with the depth of the actual sword mechanics and the inclusion of alternate weapons that you unlock throughout the game leads to a relatively fun, yet ultimately mindless, gameplay experience.

Overall, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance is a solid hack ‘n slash title. It’s got higher production values than most beat ’em ups on the market, and it stars a character from a franchise we love. What it lacks in actual polish and longevity it makes up for in over-the-top action and mindless fun. While definitely the weakest title I’ve experienced yet from Platinum Games, it’s still a heck of a good time as a weekend rental.

The Scrap Yard

Review of Assassin’s Creed III for Xbox 360

Three years of development, massive budgets and a colossul swarm of fanboys still aren’t enough to save Assassin’s Creed III from mediocrity.

Now, that may sound a bit harsh, but that’s really the feeling you’re left with once you finish the story and dabble in the multiplayer. Of course, there are some fantastic segments in ACIII, just not enough to make it the poster child of the series it’s supposed to be.

Story: Connor Kenway (Native American name: Rhadkjaspeiuofuh) is hellbent on creating a free and righteous society throughout the thirteen colonies of America, and to do that he must combat the Templars, who *seem* to have allegiance with the British. To be honest, the novelty of seeing Connor interact with revolutionary heroes never dies, which is why half of the game is simply phenomenal.

Sound: The music is good. It’s got that late 1700’s vibe to it, what with the little drummer boy and flutes. It’s nice, fitting and plays at all the right times. Voice acting is fantastic, and whoever voiced Connor and Achilles deserves a pay raise. Sound: 9/10

Presentation: The visuals are gorgeous. It’s a fact. Clothing has fabric marks, tracks are left in snow and water splashes when you step in puddles. Everything just oozes detail, and that definitely takes the game far. But what holds it back from true greatness is the fairly high quantity of annoying bugs. Why can’t Connor run up that tree stump? Because he’s falling in place with no signs of stopping. Why won’t he attack those soldiers? Because the attack button isn’t functioning. Why is Connor stabbing a rabbit with no knife in his hand? Because loading textures are overrated. Presentation: 8.5/10

Gameplay: The typical Assassin’s Creed fare, minus that silly rope sliding nonsense from the last game. Connor’s “duel wielding” doesn’t do scratch, and the combat is as awkward as ever. If there’s more than five soldiers in a fight, you’re boned. Countering still doesn’t effectively displace enough enemies for you to ever attack without getting punched in the balls milliseconds later, and the entire affair dwindles down to how many deaths you can induce by surprise.
Platforming is fun as always, with the highlights of the game being those moments where you can nimbly jump from tree branch to tree branch in the thick of winter with snow pounding on you and troops below unaware of your parkour. The only times scenes like this are interrupted is when the already mentioned glitches arrive, which is rare but common enough to be a nuisance.
Stealth is crappier than ever in this latest AC installment, with relatively little of the game having anything to do with sneaking and hiding. The vast majority of missions see you running straight in to the thick of the fight and cutting heads off, which makes you feel more like Chuck Norris than an assassin.
There’s an entire Naval Combat system that really doesn’t add much to the game as a whole, but deserves to be addressed. If anything, it’s the most refined part of ACIII and is actually pretty fun as a gameplay type. The ship handling is solid, the physics are great and the overall sense of being a pirate is fun. The only gripe I have with the ship gameplay is that there’s too much stuff going on at the same time (manning the cannons, changing mast positions, observing wind flow and piloting the ship at any given moment) but there’s only three or four mandatory ship segments in the entire game so it’s not that big of an issue. Gameplay: 7/10

Multiplayer: If you eat an apple, you taste apple. If you eat the other side of the apple, you still taste apple. The apple is AC Revelations multiplayer. The other side of the apple is ACIII multiplayer. They’re practically identical, just with two new modes and a couple new faces/maps. The only new mode worth mentioning is Wolfpack, which is the AC embodiment of COD. You go around with three other people, killing assigned targets as a group, which boils down to a bunch of idiots stabbing everything in sight. Fun, but the mode should really be called Assassin’s Ops: Black Creed instead of Wolfpack. Multiplayer: 7/10

Length: I’m a little disappointed. “Fourty hours to finish the story!” the gleeful developers said, making crowds ooh and aah at press conferences. “Fourteen hours to finish the story and twenty six hours to do the sh*t sidequests.” I said, popping the single player disc back into the case with disgust. The core of the game lasts under fifteen hours. It’s a fact. And literally six of those hours see you playing as everyone BUT Assassin Connor, so really it boils down to about eight hours of quality gameplay. All of the sidequests are generic, repetitive and have almost nothing to do with the story, and the entire experience just dies after sequence eight.
And then there’s Assassin’s Ops: Black Creed to add on another fourty five minutes of gameplay. Length: 3.5/10

Overall: This game gets 6.8 tomahawks out of 10. It’s not even at the average benchmark. There are moments of sheer brilliance like when Connor is dodging bullets in the Battle of Bunker Hill, but these scenes are short and only constitute brief segments, spread out over four story sequences. The other sixty or so hours worth of content in ACIII just isn’t interesting enough to justify a purchase.

Video Games

Top 5 Reasons Assassin’s Creed 3 is the Worst Game Ever

Taking a page from Angry Joe’s (cool Youtuber) book, I’ve decided to go against the mainstream and point out five glaring reasons why this fall’s most anticipated game will suck.

Reason 5: PS3 exclusive content. The reason this is so low on my list is because it’s really not THAT big a deal, but it’s still a deal none the less. The Playstation is getting four extra missions for the exact same price tag as the Xbox version of AC3. Even Sony fans have to admit that’s pretty stupid, cutting a fraction of the game out for Xbox players even though they’re paying for supposedly the “same” product.

Reason 4: Multiplayer. It doesn’t look bad, far from it. But it looks like the same rinse and repeat formula that the previous two installments of the AC series had, only with a different backdrop.

Reason 3: Ubisoft online passes. Not only is Ubisoft going to nickle and dime you so that you play it on their console of choice, but your copy of the game must be new if you want to play the entire online portion of the game. I get this from a corporate standpoint, but you’re really turning off gamers who might buy it used, dislike the singleplayer (like me) and never purchase another AC game at launch.

Reason 2: Pre-Order DLC. This stuff needs to stop. I’m fine with nifty but non-essential pre-order DLC such as the kind included with Dishonored, but entire bonus levels and missions exclusively to people that pre-order? Give me a break. If I’m not in the mood to go to my local Gamestop early, but still end up going there and paying full retail price for the game, I don’t get a chunk of the product.

Reason 1: SEASON PASSES. Ubisoft has DLC flying out of their ass. Pre-order DLC, Online Pass DLC, PS3 DLC, and now DLC THAT SHOULD ALREADY BE IN THE GAME. Jesus Christ, this is my most hated kind of DLC. Not only has it been planned and made looooong before the game is even fully developed, but it gets set aside for those loyal and abused customers willing to pay $60 for the new game and then an EXTRA $30 FOR SOME LAME MULTIPLAYER MAPS! What the flaming Ubisoft! Is it THAT hard to include ALL of the content you  make for a game WITH the final product at launch? Abusing console exclusives and the stuff DLC made during development that you’re going to rip the customer off for later is NOT an okay tactic.