Blog · Video Games

Team Sonic Racing Review/End of the Weekly Cycle

Well, I managed it for a few months, but at this point, it’s time for me to come to terms with the fact that the weekly posting schedule ain’t happening. Alas. Besides, there’s not enough worthwhile news for me to keep up a good output of parody articles like the Batwoman one. The world is simultaneously too cringe inducing and, yet, not cringe-inducing enough!

As I cope with these shocking revelations, enjoy this fantastic review of Team Sonic Racing, which happens to closely align with my views on the game. Hell, the reviewer even mentioned the Babylon Rogues. Funny, I thought I was the only one who remembered them.

Anywho, thanks for reading, and I hope you’ll follow me on Twitter for more hot-off-the-press blogging and game coverage.


Avengers: Endgame Review


This review’s definitely not a day late, because I’m setting it to have been posted yesterday. And just like the movie, I don’t care if that’s cheating, because the entire film is made up of time travel tomfoolery like that.

Here’s the scoop: Endgame is just three hours of fun and genuine excitement, and definitely feels like an “event” more than any other movie before it. However, that’s all it is. An event. A trip to the carnival. Heart-stoppingly intense? Yes. Much less of a shitty comedy and more of a proper drama than previous Marvel flicks? Thank God, it is. A fitting conclusion to the MCU as we know it? Give (Captain Marvel) or take, sure.

Minus one cringe-inducing girl-power scene where a crying, weak little Spider-Man hands a plot McGuffin over to the hyper-masculine, stoic, and emotionless Carl Manvers, followed by a funny group shot of the women banding together to accomplish nothing for a hot sec while the guys kick back and let their female counterparts feel good about themselves, the movie was pretty good when it wasn’t defining heroes’ worth by their genitals.

But you already know all of this. You’ve read the reviews. “Fan-service” this and “I love you 3000” that. All the normie takes have already been made. So here’s my brilliant, totally original take: The Russo Bros. are lackluster directors. It’s been this way forever, they just happened to fool me with Winter Soldier. Their scene direction (and its accompanying editing style) is choppy and custom-built for Instagram posts, and I can smell their television roots in every scene.

Their style lacks grandiose. This sad phenomenon is especially visible during action scenes, when the Russo Bros. fail to capitalize on the epic nature of the heroes they’re in charge of.

Take, for example, a bad-ass moment when Pepper Potts teams up with her husband to kill some aliens. Both of them are in Iron Man suits and it looks awesome. Her armor is flared out like a purple phoenix, and Tony’s is doing that badass unibeam attack that deserved to crop up way more often in the MCU. The camera circles around them super-duper fast, showing them doing these epic maneuvers back to back with each other. It’s great. The pacing is electric, the choreography is fluid, everything about that shot is fantastic–except for the fact that it’s over in three seconds (the link to the clip will probably get taken down by YT, but I’m being literal when I say three damn seconds).

That kind of moment deserves, hell, at least ten seconds, just so the audience can process it, digest it, and then revel in it. The issue is, Team Russo (TM) only cares that audiences process it, then they move right along without giving anyone the time to savor it. It feels lazy, like they didn’t want to properly manufacture tension and think out genuine ways to extend the choreography to reach peak potential, so they cut away the second they’ve done just barely enough to “satisfy” the masses.

Think back to the stunning action sequences in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 for a moment: every one of those featured a kinetic flow and sense of effortless endurance that puts each and every Endgame action scene to shame. Also think about other superhero films, like those directed by Christopher Nolan. Nolan never shirked away from challenges like the ones mentioned above, which is why his stellar Batman trilogy will be remembered long after this film and the majority of other MCU flicks.

That last line sums up my feelings on this movie: great, but not memorable. The Russo Bros. just aren’t in the business of making films that leave a lasting impression, beyond their utilization of superficial narrative parlor tricks like the ending of Infinity War. As another reviewer stated, this movie is clear-cut pro-forma storytelling. I’m inclined to agree.

Video Games

The Division 2 PC Review (Embargo Broken)

Having gotten advance access to the full-fledged retail release of the sequel the world is dying to play, I couldn’t not go ahead and break the review embargo to provide you all with my thoughts on Ubisoft’s The Division 2. With online servers currently live for last-minute dev testing, I’ve gotten ample time to play through the experience in its entirety with a handful of other early access players. Here’s my review.


The game opens to the sight of Washington D.C. in ruins, and I can’t help but feel the developers worked hard to paint this desolate, destitute depiction of the United States Capitol as some sort of political allegory for the state they feel the U.S. is currently in. Though it’s artistically depicted and nuanced in its commentary of modern day politics, I’m still shocked that the publisher and developer have gone so far as to include in-game graffiti on dilapidated D.C. monuments that reads “Make America Good Again.” You might not catch what this is referencing at first, but really double back and think about it. If you’re looking for political commentary, The Division 2 won’t leave you starving.

Continue reading “The Division 2 PC Review (Embargo Broken)”

Video Games

Team Sonic Racing’s Roster: Why It Makes Perfect Sense for 2013


SEASIDE HILL — Sega of America has just confirmed that not only are Zavok and Big hard-locked for Team Sonic Racing, but there will be no downloadable content (DLC) for the game whatsoever. This means the current roster, which consists of the usual suspects as well as Big the Cat, Zavok the disabled dwarf dragon, and a team of Chao, will not be changing before or after release.

To all the fans out there complaining about the lack of inclusion of other characters from the series, such as Chaos Zero and the Babylon Rogues, I have but one question to ask: Why? Why are you complaining?

Think logically about this. It’s 2013, and Sonic Lost World is brand-spanking-new. You’re seriously going to blame Sega for including Zavok, who’s the lead bad guy of their newest main series title? It’s called marketing, people. DuUuUh. And as for the team of Chao, think about it: Sonic’s 25th anniversary is three years away. That’s three years of development time. For Sonic Adventure 3. They’re teasing a Chao garden. I don’t know how much more transparent they could be, at this point (it’s not like they’re just going to skip 2016 altogether, after all. It’s an anniversary year!). Clearly Big the Cat is also part of this forward-thinking SA3 marketing. I, for one, am excited for some Big fishing adventures on my PS4.

So before you get up in arms about a member of the Deadly Six, a fat cat, and a group of dopey Tamagotchi pets getting prime-time placement in Team Sonic Racing, really think about why Sega made the choices they did. It’s obvious logic.

Why would you think the Babylon Rogues deserve spots in this game? So what, if they have a perfect team of three that are custom-built to fit the speed, technique, and power archetypes of TSR. And who cares if they are the only characters in the franchise literally designed exclusively for racing games. Honestly, just because they’re perfect foils to Team Sonic, have badass character designs, and have their own successful spinoff trilogy doesn’t mean they should be recognized in a celebration of Sonic’s history. Come on, people. Think more critically with your roster critiques, next time.

(If you like what you’ve read here, don’t forget to follow on Twitter for more.)



Alita: Battle Angel Review

If you’ve ever cringed in reaction to spotting a real-life weeaboo, know that this movie will give you healthy insight into their lifestyle without making your skin crawl.


Alita: Battle Angel
has some painfully awkward dialogue, a few not-so-hot performances (Hugo’s actor does not do a great job), and a pretty forgettable overall story arc, but it’s an excellent showcase of state-of-the-art CGI, and for that alone, it’s pretty darn enjoyable. If you want to be visually wowed, this is a movie worthy of the theater experience.

Continue reading “Alita: Battle Angel Review”